What’s the emotional load you’re carrying right now as a carer?
What’s filling your head at this very moment?
Maybe it’s early starts, long workdays, running the kids around or checking in on family. Maybe it’s the constant plate spinning and the quiet pressure of tracking everyone else’s needs.
This is the emotional and mental load of caring - for your family and maybe for elderly relatives too.
For Anisa Lewis of Positive Parenting and Coaching, this load is all the unseen effort that goes into caring for others:
- Remembering to send in the school trip form.
- Keeping up with school updates and class chats.
- Planning meals around everyone’s schedules.
- Booking the dentist.
- Checking in on your ageing parents.
- Noticing when your teenager’s mood dips.
- Managing bedtime meltdowns.
- Juggling the logistics of life.
It's not just doing the tasks, it’s holding the responsibility and head space for them, even when you’re not the one doing them. These things often go unnoticed, so it’s easy to downplay or dismiss them. But they matter just as much as the big things like holidays or going to work.
Over time, this load builds up. You might find you’re snapping more easily, struggling to sleep, or feel like you’re failing at everything even though you’re doing your best. It’s hard to switch off when caring is woven into daily life.
And then there’s guilt. Guilt for not being fully present at work. For missing a school event. For not checking in on your parents. For needing five minutes of peace. It can feel like a lot - because it is.
Ultimately, this all means that you care deeply for those around you and that’s not a bad thing. Let’s look at 5 small shifts you can make to help lighten the load and ease the pressure valve a little. Because let’s face it, unless you’re a magician, you can’t magic the load away.
1. Get it out of your head
Carrying the mental load in your head can mean that something is missed or overlooked.
Try a weekly, if not daily brain dump. Take 5 minutes and write everything down onto a piece of paper, not a screen, because writing helps you process. It doesn’t need to be perfect; it’s a stream of thoughts that your brain needs to let go of.
Once you’ve completed it, scan back through:
- Is there anything that needs to be actioned?
- Can you add it to a diary?
- Do you need to talk to someone about it?
If a task will take 2 minutes or less, do it now. If it needs a little longer, how will you remember? Could you email yourself? Add it to a ‘to-do’ list? Can you delegate it to someone else?
Use whatever works best for you: lists, reminders on your phone, wall planners or shared calendars on devices. Getting thoughts out of your head helps stop the spinning, even briefly. Visual tools can also help others see what’s going on and offer help too.
2. Ask for specific help
Sometimes it feels easier if we just do everything ourselves, possibly because asking for help is hard, or maybe you want it done a certain way.
How often have you said or heard: “Let me know if you need anything”? It sounds nice, but rarely leads to action and you may start to feel frustrated or resentful. Instead, ask clearly:
- "Could you pick up the kids on Thursday?”
- "Can you take over cooking dinner this weekend?"
Specifics make it easier for others to say yes.
3. Let go of ‘perfect’
Sometimes the pressure comes from within. You might feel you’ve set your expectations so high, that you’re never going to achieve anything you set out to do. Give yourself permission to lower the bar.
- A simple dinner is still dinner.
- A kind word matters more than a perfectly organised day.
- A quick text message, shows someone you care.
Where do you think perfectionism is showing up for you?
4. Create tiny pockets of space
When thinking about your week, does self-care or moments for yourself, come into your mind?
Let’s reframe the thinking around self-care. It doesn’t need to be spa days or long breaks, although if you can fit them in, go for it.
Try thinking about self-care in micro moments, maybe anchor them to something you already do, so you remember to do it. These self-care moments could be:
- Do five squats while brushing your teeth.
- Have five minutes with a coffee before anyone else wakes up.
- Take a quick walk after dinner.
- Shut the door and listening to a favourite song.
- Take a deep breath when things feel too much (in through your nose and out through your mouth).
Movement and exercise are good for your mental health, and reclaiming small moments reminds you - you exist outside of what you do for others.
5. Talk to other carers
There’s comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Whether it’s friends, online groups, or trusted colleagues, it’s good to connect with people who get it. Sharing stories helps lighten the emotional weight, even if the to-do list stays the same.
- Can you pick up the phone right now and chat to someone?
- Make a list of people who you feel ‘get it’. Reach out to them.
You’re not a machine. You’re a human being, caring deeply for loved ones, working hard and managing a hundred tiny details each day.
Recognising the emotional load is the first step. You don’t have to fix everything or be everything, to everyone. Just start where you are, take small steps, and know that caring for yourself is just as important as caring for others.
There are a range of resources and support services available to help carers manage their responsibilities.
Carers UK - provides support for carers.
Citizen’s Advice - help and support for carers.
