Anisa Lewis of Positive Parenting and Coaching, explains how caregiving for both adults and children can come with “big feelings” of confusion, worry, sadness, or even guilt. It can potentially feel overwhelming if left unexplored.
In families up and down the country, caregiving takes many forms:
- Parenting.
- Looking after a child or sibling with additional needs.
- Supporting an elderly parent or grandparent.
- Helping a parent or family member manage a long-term illness.
While caregiving is often seen as an adult responsibility, it’s something children are acutely aware of, and many families play an important role.
As adults, we need to acknowledge these feelings, seek help if needed or find something that makes us feel like we’re lightening our load. Try things like:
- Asking for help.
- Finding a support group.
- Asking for flexible working arrangements.
- Taking 5-minute moments of self-care.
For children, adults play a vital role in helping them to make sense of their emotions and the changes they see around them.
It all starts with a conversation
Children notice more than we think. They pick up on mood shifts, routine changes and even unspoken stress at home. A child’s perception of a situation might present itself in ways that catch us off-guard, such as a short temper, sudden outbursts, going out of their way to be noticed, which might not be like them.
It can be helpful to be curious in this situation. The emotions and behaviour are the tip of the iceberg – what’s going on under the surface?
Instead of shielding children from the current situation, consider inviting them into a calm and age-appropriate conversation, being clear and honest, starting with what they might’ve noticed: “You’ve probably seen that Grandma is finding it harder to move around lately...” or “I know Mummy’s hospital appointments have meant you’ve had to stay with your Auntie more often…”
Naming what’s going on gives children a sense of security. When things are left unsaid, imaginations can run wild, often painting pictures more frightening than the truth. They might get the wrong idea and think that they’re the ones at fault or causing the stress or worry.
Talk about feelings, theirs and yours
How often have you said or heard others say “stop crying” or “sorry you feel that way” when others are displaying a big emotion or feeling?
Helping children understand their emotions begins with letting them know it’s OK to have them. We all have emotions and feelings are healthy. Phrases like “It’s normal to feel worried” or “I feel sad too sometimes” show them that emotions aren’t something to hide or be ashamed of. It can also allow the child to see someone who they love and trust, role modelling how to navigate these feelings.
Emotions are complex and naming them helps us to understand them. We might feel angry because we dropped something, cross that someone cut us off in traffic, frustrated that we miss out on a promotion at work. Sometimes we feel joy - happy when a loved one gets the care they need. Feelings are everywhere. They can be subtle shifts in body language or full-blown tantrums in the local supermarket. They’re part of everyday life.
You might say:
- “It’s okay to feel upset that we can’t do things the same way as before.”
- “Sometimes I feel overwhelmed too. It’s a big change for all of us.”
When children see adults managing their emotions and calmly and openly naming their feelings, they learn that they’re manageable, not something to be scared of.
Books and stories can play a role
Sometimes it’s easier to explore big topics with children through stories. Picture books and chapter books offer a gentle, indirect way to help them process what’s going on. Look for stories that touch on themes like illness, disability, or changes in family roles. Reading together creates a natural moment for children to ask questions or share how they feel - without pressure. Seeing those themes through someone else’s eyes in a story, helps children to take on big ideas in a way that feels safe, familiar and manageable.
Acknowledge their role
Children in caregiving families often take on more than we realise. Whether they’re offering emotional support, helping around the house, or caring for siblings, these are big responsibilities for small shoulders.
It’s important to acknowledge what they’re doing. Praise doesn’t just boost confidence, it helps them feel seen. Try and praise the process, not just the outcome and where you can, name the value - such as kindness, respect or perseverance to show them what they’re doing matters and that they matter too.
Try saying:
- “I notice how you’ve been helping your brother, thank you, that’s really kind of you.”
- “You’ve been so patient with all the changes lately. That’s something to be proud of.”
Children who take on caring roles can try to step into the role of someone much older than their years. That’s why it’s important to remind them that being a child is still their number one job. Let them know their help is appreciated, but they’re not expected to carry adult responsibilities and it’s OK to rest and play.
Create a safe space
Setting aside regular moments to check in can help children feel emotionally safe. It could be five minutes at bedtime, a chat over breakfast, or even drawing pictures of how the day felt. Making this a regular check in time during your day gives everyone a chance to feel heard, as does letting them lead the conversation and reminding them there’s no such things as “wrong” feelings - just honest ones.
Encouraging them to use ‘I’ statements such as “I feel …”, “because” can help them communicate assertively. For example, “I feel angry because you don’t spend any time with me anymore.”
Asking them what they need from you, or how you can help them through this can also give them a sense of being heard, valued and supported. When a child is sharing, it can be tempting to jump in with advice or try to fix things. Often, they simply need a listening ear, a safe space to vent and feel heard.
Useful phrases to reflect back what they’ve communicated by words or behaviour:
- “I can hear that you’re really upset.”
- “I understand this is a tough situation to find yourself in.”
- “Would you like a hug?”
When families face tough times, children don’t need everything to be perfect, they just need to feel included, heard and loved. By talking openly, naming emotions and offering steady reassurance, we help children navigate big feelings and build resilience and confidence. Caring may be part of their world, but so is hope, connection and the comfort of knowing they’re not alone.
Likewise, as you support them, it’s important to support yourself too. Reaching out to someone, whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague, or a support group can help keep your emotional batteries topped up. You don’t have to do it all alone.
Resources to help support carers
There are a range of resources and support services available to help carers manage their responsibilities.
Carers UK - provides support for carers.
Citizen’s Advice - help and support for carers.
