Looking after someone who’s having a hard time can be difficult, but you don't have to do it alone. The charity CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) can support you in finding ways to offer help.
You’re worried someone is thinking of suicide. What do you do?
Directly ask them if they’re suicidal. Talking about suicide helps make the conversation easier and lets that person open up and share.
You can break this down into stages:
1. Check-in
Imagine someone you know feels overwhelmed by work or personal problems but doesn't think anyone will understand. By actively listening and showing empathy, you can help that person feel supported.
The first step is creating a safe space to learn and listen to the friends and loved ones in your life. One thing CALM hears most from people who’ve struggled with their mental health is that they don't feel heard or understood.
So what can you do to listen to the people in your life?
- Find a quiet time and space.
- Create regular and predictable times to chat.
- Stay calm and open to really listening.
- Remember that talking helps.
Talking about mental health, emotions and difficult topics can lead to understanding and finding solutions together.
Try to avoid these things:
- Don’t wait for them to come to you.
- Don’t make it a big deal.
- Don’t stop trying even if it’s proving tricky.
2. Ask
Talking to someone about mental health and suicide is one of the most helpful, preventative measures we can take to look after them. It’s a misconception that talking about suicide and mental health makes things worse. Research shows that talking about suicide stops suicide. The earlier you do it the better. Early conversations can help them understand their emotions, learn to express their feelings, find coping strategies - and, most importantly, ask for help when they need it.
Ask questions and show interest
Start the conversation gently and with something general. Try something like, "how are things going with you at the moment?"
It might help to refer to things that are going on in their life, "how’s things with your exams?", "how’s it going at work?".
Try to listen more than you talk - it’s not a lecture
A great tip is to try to say about half of what you planned to. A conversation should be just as influenced by the person as it is by you.
Be patient and allow them to share in their own way
People can feel overwhelmed by the prospect of a ‘big chat’. If you think that might be happening, offer other ways to communicate. This might be asking them to write down how they’re feeling or even using a messaging app like WhatsApp. You could also approach the chat differently. Some people might feel more comfortable opening up while playing a game or during a walk. A fun or relaxing activity can make the conversation feel less intimidating and more natural.
Explore how they’re feeling and help them put it into words
Prompting and asking questions can help someone gain new perspectives, approach their situation differently or simply think of things they hadn’t before. It’ll also help you understand what’s going on and how you can help.
Try to avoid these things:
- Don't have the conversation when emotions are running high
- Don’t push them to say more than they want to
- Don’t promise to fix something when you can’t
- Don’t be scared to ask about suicide
3. Remain Close
You don’t need to have all the answers. When someone opens up to you, the best way to respond is with curiosity and openness. Stay close to them and be emotionally available. By being there for a friend or loved one, you’ll help them to help themselves, build strength, and find ways to cope that make a difference.
The main thing when you're building a supportive relationship is to stay connected and always available. Show interest in them, see things from their point of view and be a caring role model who is willing to help.
Here are some key points to keep in mind:
- Make checking in easy and simple
- Validate how they’re feeling and let them know you get it
- Keep the conversations going, this shouldn’t be a one-off
Try something like, "What is your biggest worry in life right now?"
Try to avoid these things:
- Don’t think you have to have all the answers
- Don’t compare your friend or loved one to other people
- Don’t make assumptions
4. Expert help
When someone opens up to you, they’ve opened up their world to support from a whole host of places. You don’t have to take all the responsibility on your shoulders. Your job is to help them find the best support, whether that’s talking to family, friends or guardians, a GP, counsellor or specialist mental health support. Professional help can provide expertise and resources to support their needs.
You might also need some support for yourself while you're there for them. Make sure you have a support network too.
Act immediately
If you find that a friend or loved one is at immediate risk of harm or isn’t safe, call 999 or take them to A&E. The NHS says that a mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one – and that you won’t be wasting anyone’s time Footnote [1] . CALM’s C.A.R.E kit is full of expert support resources.
Here are some key actions to take:
- Connect your friend or loved one to other support
- Connect them with other people in their life and check in with them
- Get advice and help on your next steps too
Try to avoid these things:
- Don't minimise their worries; instead, validate their concerns without judgement.
- Don’t think you have to know it all.
- Don’t think you’ll be wasting anyone’s time if you reach out for help or advice.
Anyone can have thoughts about taking their own life and if someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, it’s important you tell someone about them and get help.
Where can I find help?
- You can talk to CALM from 5pm to midnight every day. Their professional helpline workers are there to talk and help. Calls and webchats are free, anonymous, non-judgemental and confidential.
- Outside of these hours, you can call the Samaritans on 116 123 - a free, confidential helpline offering emotional support to anyone in distress, 24/7.
- Call NHS 111 (freephone) or 999 if you’re worried someone’s life is at risk.
- Contact their GP for an emergency appointment.
- Contact your local mental health crisis team (if you don’t know who they are, NHS 111 can help you).
- Find more places to get help at the CALMZONE.
